Allison Strong
The Radioactive Patient
OMG, I’m depressed. On the 1-10 scale, I’m probably a 5. My brain is scattered. So much so that I worry I’m losing my memory. But it can’t be, I’m only 63, so that’s too early, right?
Back to depression: I’m obsessive about every thing I do. I’m having a hard time transitioning from one activity to the next activity because I’m still obsessing about the last thing I did. Did I do a good enough job? Is this even fun anymore? What did people think? Should I have done it differently? Did I send too many follow up emails?
I’ve had bipolar disorder (that I know of), since 1989, some thirty-odd years, I can never remember. During that time, though, I’ve learned a great deal about how to get through it. One thing is that even though I don’t want to be social, I still can be. I should be, right? The last thing I need is for my circle of friends to get smaller to where it collapses on itself. That never goes well.
Yesterday, I was supposed to attend and participate in a storytelling slam. I didn’t want to go. But my husband and I both went and oddly enough, I told the best story ever and won a prize. No, it didn’t give me as much pleasure as creative pursuits usually do, but that’s ok.
Exercise is a similar thing. I used to think I couldn’t exercise when I was depressed, and so I didn’t. But one time, about fifteen years ago, I played tennis when I was REALLY depressed, and played some of the best tennis in my life. The same is true for lifting weights. Admittedly, I’m not getting and endorphin rush like I usually do, but during the exercise itself, my mind is kinder to me. A blunt hammer instead of a sharp instrument.
My point is this: If you’re depressed, stay active. Don’t deprive yourself of people or deprive people of you. Do the things you know are good for you. And yes, it’s ok to step back from things that are truly frustrating, but replace them with the good stuff, music, great television, good conversation, cooking, shopping and whatever else makes you the happiest. It might not be as fun, but it’ll be worth it.
See you on the other side.