Good Am.

I have internet radio station Indie 103.1 playing Sonic Youth’s “Kool Thing” from the 90’s. Their music is so timeless. Its’ called “Art Rock” or “NoiseCore.” One of my favorites of all time. Also on Indie 103.1 is my former employer (twice) Jonathan L’s “The Lopsided World of L,” a show of unsigned bands from all over the world.  Former Soul Coughing lead singer Mike Doughty has a show and a former record company scout named Bruce Rave has a great show called “Go Deep with Bruce Rave.”  I often find stuff I want to buy.  Music is important to me and plays a healing role in my mood disorder. Already my mood rises.

I’m about to finish writing my eating disorder post for international bipolar disorder. Is it a labor of love or hate? I am not allowed to write on my blog and then send to them…they want Original content only. I was signed up for Pilates but didn’t go. None of my outfits fit and I’m ashamed. I have so little self acceptance.  I also don’t enjoy Pilates anymore like I used to. It’s like lifting weights but it’s way more tedious. And expensive!!! So expensive!!!  When I was taking Vyvanse, (Time Released metabolite of Adderall) I loved it, my ADHD was gone and I was precise and dancerlike in my movements and workouts.  I was a devotee.

All that is gone now. But my depression is largely gone. So maybe I should focus on that.

I’m lucky if I am willing to walk on the beach with my Walkman and swim for 20 minutes in the Ocean off the coast. I forbid myself to look at my watch and try to breathe easy. (I have seen sharks out there-they are afraid of Me!)

I do enjoy it, however. Then I do a big abdominal workout. Even if I don’t want to.  Today am going to push self to the weight room. I’m going to go back to OA to get spiritual help with the food problem. As an exercise bulimic I’m a rarity to the group, they are mostly overeaters triggered by sweets, and I’m the only one who has an antipsychotic medication literally driving their appetite. I really should find a solution and write about it.  I used to go to AA, back when I thought I had an alcohol problem. Now IN THERE, there are tons of people on those meds and crying about it. A lot of Old timers on Haldol, which is not as associated with weight gain but more associated with Tardive Dyskinesia, which I also have.

Presently, I’m really struggling with food in the absence of ADHD meds for a binge-eating-disorder. In the best of situations, I’m hungry all the time and irritable and self pitying.  The clozaril that I have to take for my Tardive Dyskinesia makes my metabolism slow down and drives hunger, even after a full meal of several food categories.

In the worst of situations, I’m binging all day. My stomach feels yukky, acid indigestion and I can’t sleep. I’m angry. Why isn’t there more research on this issue with the antipsychotics that big pharma is making so much money from? I’m going to do the Edgar Cayce diet if it kills me. It’s a lot of work.   One of my meals is a big green salad. I hate salad even though I know that the minerals in it clean the blood. I’m mad. I don’t want to do the work. I don’t want to give up my quick ‘go to’ of cereal and full fat milk but I have to stop buying it.

The day before yesterday was my first day. I did ok, but was really irritable and didn’t sleep well. I sleep better when full. So when I woke up feeling like I had cotton in my eyeballs I went back to sleep,slept and binged on food most of the day. Then, last night, I could not sleep. It just goes on and on. I’m so depressed about the 20 lb I gained in 6 weeks…and it keeps going up.